|
|
Sunday, February 08, 2004
While walking through the prodigious butter section of Fred Meyer the other day, I was shocked by the sudden realization that a philosophical sea change in the world of margarine had taken place practically under my nose.
The uncertainty of the modern world has cast the harsh light of doubt into every corner our lives, and the margarine aisle of the supermarket is no exception. These days it is not enough to simply choose a brand of margarine. It is now a matter of what you think and believe. There are many schools of thought on this issue; I have chosen to highlight three of the most important.
1. I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!
Just as quantum mechanics forever added uncertainty to our understanding of matter, so did "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" shatter any comfortable illusions we harbored about oleo.
This is the original and still the most successful of the philosophical postmodern butter substitutes. Although clearly stating that it is not actually butter, it claims to be such an effective simulation that our minds cannot accept the truth. The implication is clear: modern society has become so bewildering that we can no longer trust our senses to tell us what is butter and what isn't.
Given this, how can life have any meaning? How do we even know that we're alive? Even their web site expresses the confusion and angst inherent in our existence:
Consider the consequences of this seemingly simple and grammatically-questionable statement: even though their FAQ contains the answer to every imaginable query, it's possible that we may still have questions. That one will turn your world inside out. Do you see this kind of philosophical scrutiny on the Parkay web site? I think not.
"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" is like Pandora's Tub. Opening the lid releases deep, abiding questions about epistemology and the nature of infinity that can never again be contained. It's a rich, creamy blend of hydrogenated oils, emulsifiers, and Goedel's Incompleteness Theorem.
2. Could It Be Butter?
The mathematical and metaphysical underpinnings of this margarine are largely borrowed from "I Can't Believe Its Not Butter!" - the fact that we humans no longer possess the ability to tell the difference between butter and non-butter. "Could It Be Butter?" differs, however, in that it offers the possibility that the product might actually be butter. It is the upbeat yang to "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!"'s downcast yin.
The packaging expresses this by eschewing the the emphatic exclamation point of its competitor in favor of a round and friendly question mark. It's like a warm hug on a cold day. Each bite of this margarine is ripe with positive energy and opportunity. Could it be butter? No one knows yet, but the answer may be right around the corner.
3. Butter It's Not
"Butter It's Not" aims to end this ceaseless debate about margarine by presenting only facts: what you are eating is not butter. Nothing else is important. It dispenses with the mysticism and soul-searching of the other products and instead instructs its customers that the universe consists of only what we can see and know.
This is a humanist spread. It has faith in mankind's ability to understand what it is putting on its toast, through which it may thereby understand the rest of the universe. (This, presumably, is the margarine of choice for scientists and other rational thinkers.) In a world full of questions and uncertainty, "Butter It's Not" provides its customers with something solid to grab onto.
I'm not even going to get into some of the more exotic and troublesome products, like "spreadable butter". It claims to be real butter, and yet it boasts the spreading properties of margarine. Although it's astonishing that such a thing is technologically feasible, it's even more surprising that the product lacks a clever name to provide me with its philosophical outlook. They can't expect me to buy a spread that doesn't state or question some kind of universal truth - not in this day and age. I think I'll wait for "Butter It Is", thank you very much.