Hullo. Just wanted to let you know that I won't be posting for a few days. (Specifically, at least 4.) I'm off to Indiana to visit the family and watch an auto race. Mmmm...race cars. I will be taking roughly one zillion pictures, so I'm sure I'll have plenty to share when I get back. (Note: the pictures will largely concern themselves with race cars. Just warning you.)

Oh, and I don't know why comments are down. Their server is freaking out again. Thankfully, this is one computer problem I do not have to solve.

Have a good weekend, everyone! Thanks for reading!

  Since I added my comment on Sunday's post, I've received literally one or more email messages from devoted fans asking me to reveal my methods for seducing women. "Attention sdierorl," they said, "Our lowest mortgage rate ever!" Which means, "Scott, please reveal your methods for seducing women!"

Well, I have good news for you, yb336pwnuz@aol.com. You can learn all of my most effective tricks and tips in my new book, Scott's Sexy Secret Seduction Strategies! It will be on bookshelves soon, but I wanted to give you and all of my other loyal readers out there an exclusive sneak preview. Enjoy!

Seduction Strategy #23 - The Cruise
1. Have your limo driver cruise up and down Aurora Ave.

2. Select a sexy lady from one of the dozens that always seem walking to and from work on Aurora at all hours of the day and night. Those rubber miniskirts sure are popular with the gals this year, aren't they?

3. Entice your lady into the limo with a box of genuine "21st Century Liquors-Brand 150 Proof Champagne-Style Beverage".

4. Have the driver circle the block while you and your new friend get acquainted over a couple of drinks. Feel free to embellish your personal history a little if you feel the need to impress her. Example: "I know it looks like male pattern baldness, but I actually lost that hair in a knife fight at a women's prison."

5. After the box is empty, proceed to Denny's, where you will wine and dine your woman at the 24-Hour All-You-Can-Eat Breakfast Buffet. NOTE: Orange juice not included.

6. At this point, your lady may be so overcome that she will want to freak you right there in the booth at Denny's. DO NOT LET HER DO THIS. It is vitally important to the art of the seduction that you keep her anticipation mounting until you get back to your place. To fend her off, say something sexy but teasing like, "Not right now, baby - I'm really enjoying this waffle."

7. Get back in your limo and head for home. When you get there, dim the lights, turn on the TV, and relax on the couch in front of a roaring fire. NOTE: If the "Fireplace" videotape is not available, the "Aquarium" tape is also acceptable.

8. Gaze deep into your lady's eyes in the flickering light of the fire or aquarium and say, "Why don't we continue this in the bedroom?"

9. To find out what happens next, you'll have to read the book!

Sorry about that folks, but the publisher wouldn't let us show you any more without subjecting you to a background check, for fear that it might violate provisions of the Patriot Act. That's right - these tips are so potent that they could threaten national security if they fell into the wrong hands!*

If you're more interested in the fellas than the ladies, never fear! With each copy of Scott's Sexy Secret Seduction Strategies!, you also get my free Giant Guide To Getting Great Guys! It's got 10 delicious steak recipes, plus television listings for all major metropolitan areas - everything you need to grab that great guy!

So stop by your favorite bookseller on October 7 and pick up your copy of Scott's Sexy Secret Seduction Strategies! These tips will get you the ladies (or gentlemen) you deserve, or I'll give you your money back - I guarantee it!**



*Gary Busey.

** Not a guarantee.

  I watched the US play Sweden in today's Women's World Cup match. I loves me some women's soccer. I like the men's game too, but the women's game has far less whining and diving. Women just get on with the business of playing soccer and don't roll around on the ground in seizures at the slightest contact, begging for a foul.

A lot of people say that soccer isn't a good spectator sport, but I disagree. Not only is it fun to watch soccer, it's fun to watch people watch soccer. The games are tense, so there are long periods of silent fidgeting. These are punctuated by exciting plays that develop so quickly that the spectators have no time to check their emotions or the dumbass comments that pop out of their mouths.

It must be even more comical if you are, say, my neighbor who has no idea that I'm watching soccer. It's the middle of a lazy Sunday, and all of a sudden they hear yelling, oddly-phrased exhortations spoken in commanding voices, and a good bit of swearing. Throw in some shouted women's names for good measure, and you've got yourself a highly entertaining police report.

For the sake of science, I documented my reactions during the first half of today's match. Here is what you would have heard if you'd been in my neighbor's apartment.

<silence>

Nice!

<silence>

Clear, clear!

<silence>

Let's go...
HAVE IT! HAVE IT! HAVE IT!
...
Damn.

<silence>

Come on, Cindy!

<silence>

OHHHHHeeeeewwww...

<silence>

<silence>

Cut it!
Touch...
YESSSSSS!! YES! <clap hands hard several times>

<silence>

Sphheeww...<exhale sharply>

<silence>

ooooohhhhhhhOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOP.... Gaahhh!

<silence>

Yes! YES. Nice head! Fuckin'-A!

<silence>

Come on, baby!

<silence>

Yes...yeeees...
Touch, Mia, touch it! Oh no! Ohno! Awww.....shit!

<silence>

Tou- Hi- Come on!

<silence>

<bah-loop bah-loop bah-loop> (fast-forwarding through halftime on Tivo)

I'm fairly certain that my neighbors already think I'm a brick shy of a load, so this performance will simply help cement my reputation. I wonder what they must think I do over here.

Speaking of Tivo, I'm not going to reveal the result of the match, in case you've recorded it and haven't watched it yet. Hopefully your neighbors will have just as much fun as mine did.