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Friday, August 22, 2003
I bought a new O'Neill wetsuit recently, which I wore for the first time last week when I went wakeboarding. I staggered out of bed at 6 AM and wandered blearily around the house wondering why I couldn't see. Putting on my glasses helped the situation immensely, but by that time it was already 6:45, and I was late. I pulled my new wetsuit from its hanger, absently ripped off the tags, and stumbled out the door.
A couple of days later I picked up the discarded tags while I was cleaning. One of them was actually a little booklet - a mini O'Neill catalog. It had a size chart, descriptions of different products, and some lofty prose about the quality of O'Neill's wares. For example, this is the text on page 2:
Until you get to the pictures.
Most of them are simple product shots, except for two drawings in the front of the booklet. On page 3 is a picture of the interior of some kind of space vessel. Unearthly light streams down from the ceiling. To one side is a man wearing an O'Neill wetsuit while chained to some sort of chair. Two grotesque creatures hover over him. They have glowing green eyes set into long, wide faces that are lined with ridges of bone. Drool hangs from short snouts ringed with several rows of sharp teeth. Their skeletal fingers are extended towards the man, and the gleam in their eyes hints at the horrors they hope to inflict on him. Above the creatures is some sort of monitor with a picture of a guy surfing; this, presumably, is what the man is wishing he were doing instead of being tortured. In the foreground on the right side of the frame, another alien menaces the camera. One of his eyes is covered in an electronic reticle of some sort, and he threatens the viewer with a many-bladed device that he holds in his hand. You're next, he seems to say. Would you like to take our market research survey?
On the cover is another picture. Here we see another man, also wearing a wetsuit. Metal rings around his arm and neck shackle him to a chair, while something that looks like a hose extends from his chest (which appears to be on fire for some reason). Wires protrude from his body, and another alien oversees the operation. The man has a pained look on his face, and sweat pours down his cheeks. He looks like he's having the life sucked out of him. At the bottom of the page it says, "O'NEILL Warm Water Gear".
Regular readers of this column know that I am not nearly creative enough to make up something like this. For those of you who are new, I offer the following evidence:
My question for you is this: Whaaaaaa? The good people at O'Neill seem to be ignoring the first lesson they teach you in marketing school, which I believe goes something like, "Don't advertise using pictures of people being tortured while using your products." Who thought this was a good idea, and are they still employed? What is the message they were trying to send here? Putting a picture like that directly opposite their flowery text implies that this is what makes their products so good. They might as well just say:
I mean, seriously, who is this supposed to appeal to? I admit that I'm an old fogey - I don't wear the Fubu football jerseys or listen to the Limp Bizkit or text my friends on the Blackberry. But I simply can't imagine that even the most jaded of our nation's Code Red-swilling youth would find this appealing. "That alien dude is, like, TOTALLY sucking the life-essence out of that rider dude! I gotta get me one of these killer new O'Neill wetsuits! Those dudes at O'Neill are totally down with races of extra-solar beings with an insatiable bloodlust and no regard for the sanctity of life. Shreddin'!"
I don't know. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm out of touch with modern sales techniques. Perhaps the world has just passed me by, and torture advertising is the next big thing. Maybe Doritos ads will now feature people having their eyes poked out with Doritos. Maybe all of next season's promos for "Big Brother" will show the cast members having their fingernails pulled off while their flesh is eaten by ravenous crows.
That actually kind of sounds like an improvement.
Since I have a strict policy of never leaving my readers with grotesque images of scavenger birds, here's a picture I took of my friend Bill catching some good air this morning.
I won't tell you what happened when he landed, however. Ouch.
A couple of days later I picked up the discarded tags while I was cleaning. One of them was actually a little booklet - a mini O'Neill catalog. It had a size chart, descriptions of different products, and some lofty prose about the quality of O'Neill's wares. For example, this is the text on page 2:
"O'Neill is continually reshaping the face of wetsuit technology and pushing the limits of design and materials. Our Spring 2003 product line exemplifies our quest to deliver cutting edge innovations. Rider developed. Rider proven."There's some questionable grammar in there, but it's fairly standard stuff.
Until you get to the pictures.
Most of them are simple product shots, except for two drawings in the front of the booklet. On page 3 is a picture of the interior of some kind of space vessel. Unearthly light streams down from the ceiling. To one side is a man wearing an O'Neill wetsuit while chained to some sort of chair. Two grotesque creatures hover over him. They have glowing green eyes set into long, wide faces that are lined with ridges of bone. Drool hangs from short snouts ringed with several rows of sharp teeth. Their skeletal fingers are extended towards the man, and the gleam in their eyes hints at the horrors they hope to inflict on him. Above the creatures is some sort of monitor with a picture of a guy surfing; this, presumably, is what the man is wishing he were doing instead of being tortured. In the foreground on the right side of the frame, another alien menaces the camera. One of his eyes is covered in an electronic reticle of some sort, and he threatens the viewer with a many-bladed device that he holds in his hand. You're next, he seems to say. Would you like to take our market research survey?
On the cover is another picture. Here we see another man, also wearing a wetsuit. Metal rings around his arm and neck shackle him to a chair, while something that looks like a hose extends from his chest (which appears to be on fire for some reason). Wires protrude from his body, and another alien oversees the operation. The man has a pained look on his face, and sweat pours down his cheeks. He looks like he's having the life sucked out of him. At the bottom of the page it says, "O'NEILL Warm Water Gear".
Regular readers of this column know that I am not nearly creative enough to make up something like this. For those of you who are new, I offer the following evidence:
My question for you is this: Whaaaaaa? The good people at O'Neill seem to be ignoring the first lesson they teach you in marketing school, which I believe goes something like, "Don't advertise using pictures of people being tortured while using your products." Who thought this was a good idea, and are they still employed? What is the message they were trying to send here? Putting a picture like that directly opposite their flowery text implies that this is what makes their products so good. They might as well just say:
"O'Neill is continually reshaping the face of wetsuit technology by employing members of the A'ghrlxan race, a surprisingly hostile species found near the Oort Nebula. Our Spring 2003 product line exemplifies our quest to deliver cutting edge innovations using the intricate A'ghrlxan knowledge of human anatomy, gleaned from unspeakable acts of torture carried out on countless victims. O'Neill warm water gear. Developed in the stale, wet stench of human misery."I guess that probably wouldn't fit on the tiny page, so they had to find an illustrator who could capture the mood they were looking for.
I mean, seriously, who is this supposed to appeal to? I admit that I'm an old fogey - I don't wear the Fubu football jerseys or listen to the Limp Bizkit or text my friends on the Blackberry. But I simply can't imagine that even the most jaded of our nation's Code Red-swilling youth would find this appealing. "That alien dude is, like, TOTALLY sucking the life-essence out of that rider dude! I gotta get me one of these killer new O'Neill wetsuits! Those dudes at O'Neill are totally down with races of extra-solar beings with an insatiable bloodlust and no regard for the sanctity of life. Shreddin'!"
I don't know. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm out of touch with modern sales techniques. Perhaps the world has just passed me by, and torture advertising is the next big thing. Maybe Doritos ads will now feature people having their eyes poked out with Doritos. Maybe all of next season's promos for "Big Brother" will show the cast members having their fingernails pulled off while their flesh is eaten by ravenous crows.
That actually kind of sounds like an improvement.
Since I have a strict policy of never leaving my readers with grotesque images of scavenger birds, here's a picture I took of my friend Bill catching some good air this morning.
I won't tell you what happened when he landed, however. Ouch.