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Thursday, May 27, 2004
Let us speak for a moment of blogs. As you may have noticed, I haven't been posting as regularly of late. I assure you that this is not due to a lack of desire - I've simply haven't had the time, what with the moving and the wedding planning and the preparing my condo to sell. I would like to tell you that this will change soon, but I can't guarantee that that will happen in the near future. (The painting! My god, the painting! The bars of my prison are made not of metal but of blue painter's tape!)
But that is my problem. I do not want you, my dear readers, to languish without something to distract you from work, which I can only assume is what you're supposed to be doing right now. I would therefore like to highlight some of the blogs in my blogroll (seen above) to help get you through the recent drought on fishsuit.com.
The first is Big Red Blob, the blog maintained by Matt Conway. One reason to visit his site is because it was written using MovableType, an extremely cool web authoring environment that has lots of great features. Certain other blogs would be very interested in having such features, were their creators not so damned busy painting every vertical surface they encounter. The main reason to read him, however, is his interesting and trenchant writing, especially on matters of science, design, and user interface. While certain other blog writers attempt to be funny by whining and complaining about unimportant trivia like, say, apostrophes and cereal, Matt is able to simultaneously be funny and insightful on issues that are actually interesting. And if that's not your cup of tea (which is likely, given that you are reading this blog), check out his comment spam. I'm sure he doesn't think it's too amusing, but I find it deeply entertaining. His site is listed in my blogroll as brb
Today's next spotlight blog is Sundry Mourning. The chances are good that you know all about Sundry, given that everyone on the Internet seems to read her, so I won't spend too much time blathering. (I seriously think she has more readers than Seattle Weekly. Have you seen how many comments she gets when she writes a post about underwear? ) It's true that her posts are hilarious, entertaining, and often concern underwear, but I've got a little secret for you: she's also one of the best writers on the web. One day soon she may be too busy to blog, what with all the time she will be spending doing book signings, penning pithy columns for the New York Times, and polishing her Pulitzer, so should you start reading now so you can say you knew her when. Check her out. You won't be sorry.
Finally, I would like to welcome Spatula. He is a newcomer to the blogroll, but he is making his presence felt in a big way. Another resident of the Seattle area, he is attempting to see 100 movies at this year's Seattle International Film Festival. (That's an average of just over 3 movies a day for four weeks, folks. He is not fooling around.) Knowing that this kind of grand challenge cannot go undocumented, he has set up an audioblog to record his quest. It's like "Super-Size Me" mixed with "Martin Scorcese's Journey Through American Film", topped off with a healthy portion of "This American Life". It is very entertaining, and I highly recommend that you take a look.
I would like to close by saying that these are just three of the quality blogs you'll find in the list above. They are all delightful in their own way, and I wish I had time to talk about them all. Please visit each of them when you get the chance. Enjoy!
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Following my last post, which was somewhat cereal-intensive, it was pointed out to me by loyal reader Philos and several others that another,more interesting cereal story was lurking out there. Although this story is somewhat old, I was asked to comment. Little did I know that the story would eventually lead to the downfall of the United States of America.
Let us first examine the facts. As documented last fall on x-entertainment, Kellogg’s released a special version of Apple Jacks featuring a new shape – a carrot. For reasons that are likely lost to history forever, the carrots are blue in color.
The package has been suitably modified to announce this change. In the upper right corner is a message that reads, “And the new shape is…” In the middle of the box, beneath the familiar Apple Jacks logo, they drop the other shoe: "Apple Jacks - with Blue Carrot shapes”. A third message appears in the lower right corner:
Same Great ‘JACKS Taste!
Then, beneath that:
No Apple Taste!
No Carrot Taste!
This is where the trouble begins.
I’m not going to bore you with an analysis of the breakfast cereal industry. Adding a new shape to a cereal to goose sales is nothing original. We’ve all been there. It’s old news.
I’m also not going to spend a lot of time talking about the carrot issue. I will grant that the carrot is certainly a questionable choice for a cereal shape. I mean, it’s not as if most kids particularly like carrots. If it weren’t for the marketing efforts of Bugs Bunny, it’s likely that carrots would be as popular as celery, which is to say not popular at all. The carrot is also orange in color, which conflicts with the color of the existing Apple Jacks shape. I can understand the desire to spice up the color scheme, but if you want blue in your cereal why not pick an item that is naturally blue? Why confuse everyone with blue carrots? Blueberries seem like a natural choice to me - even eggplant would be a better option. But who cares, really? The cereal shape-selection process has been troubled for years, and I’m not going to start worrying about it now.
I’m even going to give them a free pass on the “No Carrot Taste!” business. Frankly, I can’t say I blame them. If I were the beleaguered ad firm responsible for marketing a cereal that contained carrot shapes, the first thing I would do is make it abundantly clear to everyone that the product did not taste anything like carrots. I might even consider changing the name of the cereal to “Not Carrot Jacks” just to eliminate any possibility of confusion.
The real problem here is the “No Apple Taste!” This is where my brain loses the ability to form complete sentences. Something is very, very wrong in the land of Kellogg’s, people. The name of the cereal is “Apple Jacks”. The 8-inch tall logo on the box is a picture of the cereal drawn to look like an apple. The cereal itself contains apples. Oh yes. It’s right there on the box. The fifth most abundant ingredient is dried apples, and, just for good measure, the sixth ingredient is apple juice. An entire generation of advertising executives and food scientists have given their lives to convince the cereal-eating public that this product tastes like apples, only to have some jackass with a blue carrot come along and screw it up for everyone.
But this is only the half of it. The real problem is so devastating and far-reaching that I’m hesitant to even bring it up. I believe this to be the only known violation of The Great Flavor Pact of 1948. As you know, this is one of our most important agreements. Everyone knows that nothing tastes like the flavor it claims to be. Consumers know it. The food companies know it. Anyone who has ever eaten a grape can tell you that it bears no relation whatsoever to a grape Jolly Rancher.
The fundamental tenet of The Great Flavor Pact is that no one ever, ever mention this. It is one of the foundations of our great nation. Everyone knows that bringing this to light in casual society could destroy everything we as Americans have worked so hard for. I find it terrifying and bewildering that Kellogg’s could so boldly reject something so fundamental. What's next? Will local newscasters start confessing that they don't report any actual news? Is Ford going to start admitting that sport utility vehicles are neither sporty nor utilitarian? Is nothing sacred? The barn door is open, people, and the cows are running free.
I don’t know what to tell you. We’re through the looking glass here. Although Kellogg’s quickly moved to cover their mistake - in a bold linguistic gambit, they’ve tried to distract us from the fruit problem by releasing a variety of Apple Jacks in which the cereal shapes actually look like jacks - I personally think it’s too little, too late. This may prove to be America’s Waterloo. Who would have guessed that such a great country could be felled by something as innocuous as a blue carrot?